
by Cybele Marcia Carter
Author’s Introduction
When I was just 13 I had already seen my first psychiatrist and was committed to a private mental institution for six weeks in San Francisco. I was not actually mentally ill, neither acutely neurotic nor psychotic. What I was (and still am) may have been diagnosed as a disease in 1972, but is accepted as (mostly) routine today – a transgendered female. Neither my doctor, who recommended institutionalization, nor my parents or sisters at that time, understood what gender dysphoria (feeling born and trapped in the body of the wrong gender) or Gender Identity Disorder (GID) were. They could not know that, while born as a boy, I had always lived with the certainty that I was female and should have been born and raised as a girl. As such, the “therapy” I received in the institute was misguided, focusing only on “male-bonding” with my father and improving my socialization skills with other adolescents on my ward. The result was years – decades, actually – of misery, on my part; of trying, and failing, to either fit into the role in which I was cast, or to break free of convention and live true to myself. I have lived, until now, a mostly hidden or “closeted” existence.
In my actual life, here in 2012, I am finally escaping the bonds of familial ties, guilt, and shame over being a transsexual. But it occurred to me – what if I could travel back in time, to 1972, with the full knowledge and experience of the past 50 years, and change what was to what I wished it to be? With the help of my clinic’s medical staff, could I have convinced my parents to allow me to begin living as a girl; as a daughter and sister; and even to help me take appropriate hormones and finance eventual sexual reassignment surgery (SRS)? And if so, how different would my life have been up to now? Would I be happier or filled with even more regret?
I have thus combined my actual memoirs of that critical year of 1972 – the year I first started high school, and met my first girlfriend, who would later bear my daughter – with a story of what could have (and should have) happened. The settings and most of the characters are as real as I remember and speak and act as I believe they would have or do now. The scientific and medical information I “bring back” with me in time is completely accurate and accepted as of the present. Naturally, I also bring back “memories” and knowledge of my past future – that is, of the future I already lived for 50 years – which I refer to as my “first time around”. But my story emphasis is the choices I make and the changes to my life in this, my “second time around” – in other words, a “do-over” of my adult life.
Mine is neither the first nor the last story of its kind. I am indebted to my predecessors such as Daphne Scholinski and Susanna Kaysen for their inspiring memoirs of their experiences in private mental institutions. Ms. Scholinski’s book, The Last Time I Wore a Dress, falls on the opposite end of the gender spectrum from my own, but my tale has some similarities. My complete book, Gender’s Hourglass, could almost be considered a blend of truthful memoir and fiction. I based it on my own real experiences and people I’ve known and loved, though I’ve changed their names and used artistic license in crafting composite characters and dialogue. The opinions and convictions I, as protagonist, express are indeed my own. I hope this story may inspire others to stand for themselves in expressing who they really are.
The Institute
It was 1972. Late February or early March I think. The place was San Francisco, California. And the author, myself — Mark, at that time — was there. There in a hospital. A mental hospital (or institution, if you prefer). Specifically, the McAllister Neuropsychiatric Institute, within a wing of St. Margaret’s Hospital (now Medical Center) located on the corner of Stanyan and Hayes Streets in the Haight-Asbury District. Five years after the Summer of Love; and right across the street from Golden Gate Park. At that time my home was in San Bruno and I was in my first years of high school. My first year of madness. But I’m getting ahead of myself — an easy thing for a time-traveler to do!
The McAllister Institute, which still exists but is in 2011physically separate from the old St. Margaret’s hospital – now a cancer center at 2250 Hayes St. – and the much newer and larger St. Margaret’s Medical Center, uphill along Stanyan past Fulton. The building is drab; a light industrial shade of grey. Near the Institute’s rear, or northwest side, the ward I was on – for children and adolescents – was at ground level; but as the adjacent Grove St. went downhill from there to Hayes St., part of my ward became Level 2 with a first level below. The adult ward was above us on Level 3, with its dreaded shock therapy room (which we were all shown at least once), and bars on the outside of all the windows that are still there in 2011.
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